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Navigating Single Motherhood: Finding Balance, Love, and Strength
Dear Coach Ro,
My name is Jasmine, and I’m a 32-year-old mom raising two amazing kids—a 15-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter. Their fathers aren’t really in the picture, and I’ve been trying my best to play both mom and dad for them, but it’s wearing me down. My son’s dad and I were married for a few years, but we split when he was just 3. My daughter’s dad and I were engaged, but he never committed. He kept making excuses and dodging the wedding conversation, so I finally gave him an ultimatum, and when he couldn’t step up, I walked away.
Now, I’m in this constant juggle of being the nurturer and the disciplinarian. I’m trying to be both soft and strong, but I don’t always know how to balance it all. My son has a great relationship with my stepdad, who’s been an incredible role model, but I know it’s not the same as having his own father around. It breaks my heart to see him hurting, even if he doesn’t always show it.
As for me, I’m terrified of dating. I don’t want to bring someone into their lives who will hurt them or me again. At the same time, I still want love and companionship, but I feel like I can’t have both—a healthy relationship and peace for my kids. How do I manage the weight of doing this alone while giving my kids what they need? And how do I deal with their dads, who just won’t take responsibility?
I’m feeling stuck, and I’d really appreciate your advice.
Sincerely,
Jasmine
Coach Ro's Response
Dear Jasmine,
First, let me say how proud I am of you for writing this letter and being so honest about your journey. It takes strength to open up, and I can already see that same strength in how you’ve shown up for your kids, even when the road hasn’t been easy.
It’s clear you love your children deeply and want to protect their hearts. But remember this: you don’t have to carry the weight of being everything to everyone all the time. Trying to be both mom and dad is admirable, but it’s also impossible because no one person can fill every role. What you can do is be the best version of you—a loving, consistent, and present mom who’s leading by example.
For your son, acknowledge his need for a father figure while also affirming the value of the positive male role model he has in your stepdad. It’s okay to validate his feelings of loss without taking it on as a failure. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, help him see that he has a community that loves him. You might even encourage him to connect with mentors through sports, community, church, or local programs.
For your daughter, it’s essential to model self-respect and boundaries—something you’ve already done by walking away from relationships that didn’t honor you. She’s watching how you handle life’s challenges, and through your strength, she’s learning how to value herself and set standards for her future relationships.
Now, about dating—your fear is understandable, but I want you to approach it differently. Rather than focusing on what could go wrong, ask yourself what you deserve. You deserve love, partnership, and someone who enriches not just your life but your children’s lives too. Take your time. When the right person comes along, their actions will align with their words, and they’ll understand the dynamics of your family without trying to force themselves into it.
When it comes to the fathers of your children, I encourage you to release the weight of their irresponsibility. You can’t control their choices, but you can control how much space you allow their absence to take up in your mind and heart. Set clear boundaries, and don’t waste your energy chasing them to be someone they’re not willing to be. Your kids will see your efforts, even if it’s not always immediately obvious, and they’ll respect you for your consistency and courage.
Lastly, give yourself permission to rest and recharge. You don’t have to have all the answers or be perfect. Parenting is hard, but love—your love—goes a long way in filling the gaps. Let your kids see your humanity. Apologize when you fall short, celebrate your wins together, and remind them every day that they’re not alone because you’re a team.
You’re doing an incredible job, Jasmine, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Trust the process, and keep building the life you and your children deserve.
I hope this helps. I know it's not easy; however, know it's worth it.
With love and belief in you,
Coach Ro
Ask Coach Ro: Letters of Change and Transformation
Terri’s Toxic Tango and the Case of the Missing Self-Worth
I never thought that answering letters from folks would turn into a part-time job, but here I am—Coach Ro, your neighborhood transformation coach and author. Folks from all walks of life send me emails asking for advice on everything from how to keep their edges from thinning out to how to keep their sanity intact. But today’s letter hit different. Let me introduce you to Terri, a woman caught up in a situation that feels all too familiar.
Dear Coach Ro,
I need your help. I’ve been stuck in a relationship with a man, Deonte, for the last six years. We’ve broken up more times than I can count, but I keep going back because he knows exactly how to reel me in. One minute, he’s ghosting me; the next, he’s love-bombing me like I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. My girls say I need to leave him alone, but they don’t understand—he’s my soulmate (or at least I think he is).
Every time I get ready to move on, he pops up with gifts and sweet talk, and there I go again, getting caught up in the same old cycle. I know I deserve better, but how do I let go of someone who feels like home, even if it’s the ghetto part?
Help me, Coach Ro! I’m tired of dancing this toxic tango.
Sincerely,
Terri in Turmoil
Now ladies, I know Terri’s struggle all too well. This toxic tango is like that one old-school jam you can’t help but bop to even though you know it’s got problematic lyrics. But let’s get into how we can break this cycle.
Coach Ro’s Response:
Beloved, let me tell you—Deonte got you spinning like a vinyl record stuck on the same scratched-up track. First off, “soulmate” doesn’t mean “soul suck.” If a man’s love comes with emotional whiplash, constant confusion, and more plot twists than a telenovela, it’s time to flip the script.
Here’s the deal, Terri. I get it—he’s comfortable, like those old slippers you keep wearing even though the soles are worn out. But comfort doesn’t mean it’s good for you. I bet Deonte shows up with those 7-11 flowers (do they even carry flowers anymore? I digress.) and that “I miss you, baby” energy every time you start getting your act together. It’s like clockwork, right?
But let me ask you this: What do you keep going back to? Is it the man himself or the idea of who you want him to be?
Spoiler alert: the version of him you’re holding onto only exists in your mind. Sis, don’t settle for potential when you deserve fulfillment.
Here’s your prescription: Take two doses of self-respect. And by that, I mean it’s time to rebuild your self-worth so you don’t need Deonte’s love crumbs to feel whole. Start by detoxing from this toxic love—it's time to detach and heal.
Next, let’s talk about how to turn this situation into growth. I want you to write (yes, write) a breakup letter—not to Deonte, but to the version of yourself that keeps settling. Pour it all out, every frustration, every hope you had for this relationship, and then set that paper on fire (safely, please—don’t burn the house down!). It’s time to release this dead weight so you can make room for the love you truly deserve.
And listen, when you’re feeling weak and tempted to let him back in, I want you to remember this: A queen doesn’t chase court jesters. You’re worth more than the confusion and chaos he’s selling.
Lastly, find something that feeds your soul that doesn’t involve romantic relationships—get back to what you love, whether it’s painting, writing, or just having a good laugh with your girls. When you focus on your growth and happiness, you’ll attract someone who’s truly on your level.
Sis, you deserve better than being stuck on repeat with Deonte. Let him go be somebody else’s circus while you get back to building your queendom. Stay strong.
Much love,
Coach Ro
Ro's Real Talk: WIsdom for LIfe's Journey
Flipping the Script: When the Tables Turn in Dating
Disclaimer:
I want you to know that your privacy is my priority. Any personal names shared in our conversations will be protected, and I’ve received permission from each participant before publishing their emails on www.iamnitaro.com or any publishing's with RoVolve Ink Inc. Your trust means everything to me.
With that said, let’s dive into this heartfelt exchange. Here’s a recent conversation that touched on an important topic many of us face.
Dear Coach Ro,
I hope this email finds you well. My name is Falicia (name has been changed to protect my clients), and I am a 31 year old woman who has been grappling with a rather frustrating pattern in my dating life. It seems that the men I've been encountering lately are expecting me to take on a more aggressive, chaser role in our interactions. This feels incredibly unnatural to me. I've always envisioned a relationship where the man steps up, embodying that strong, protective, masculine energy, and allows me to relax into my feminine nature. But, instead, I'm finding myself in situations where I'm expected to pursue, initiate, and lead, which leaves me feeling disconnected and frankly, disheartened.
To be honest, it feels like I'm swimming in a pool with guppies when I'm searching for a strong, mature fish. These men, while often charming and seemingly put together, come off as more feminine than masculine. I can't help but wonder, is this a reflection of something within me? Or is this a sign of a broader cultural shift in gender dynamics? More importantly, how can I manifest the masculine energy I desire in my dating life?
Coach Ro, I'm reaching out to you because I I was told you are seasoned on this topic. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what might be causing this trend in my dating life and how I can shift my own energy to attract the kind of man who embodies the masculinity I crave. I look forward to our call.
Thank you so much for your time and wisdom.
Warm regards,
Falicia
Coach Ro's Response
Dear Falicia,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with me. I can sense your frustration, and I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way. The dynamics you've described are something many women experience, especially in today's dating landscape. Let's explore this together and look at what might be happening on both a psychological and energetic level.
Understanding the Dynamics
The trend you're noticing—where men appear to be more passive, expecting women to take on the aggressor role—can be influenced by several factors. On a broader scale, societal shifts towards gender equality have blurred traditional roles, leading to more men embracing their feminine side. While this isn't inherently negative, it can create confusion in romantic relationships when there's a mismatch in energy and expectations.
From a psychological perspective, some men may be struggling with their own identity and self-confidence. They might find comfort in a more passive role, avoiding the vulnerability that comes with taking the lead. This can result from various factors such as upbringing, past relationships, or even societal pressure to suppress their natural assertiveness.
Reflecting On Your Energy
It's also essential to look within. Our external experiences often mirror our internal state. If you're consistently attracting men who embody more feminine energy, it might be worth considering how your own energy could be influencing this dynamic. Are you perhaps leading with your masculine energy—being assertive, taking charge, or even unintentionally controlling potential partners?
Masculine and feminine energies exist within all of us, and the key is finding balance. If your masculine energy is more dominant, it could be attracting men who feel more comfortable in a feminine role, and with a partner who has more of a masculine role. This isn't about changing who you are but rather about becoming more aware of the energy you're putting out and how it's being received. To help you navigate your masculine and feminine energy I've included a free three page tip guide to help you along your journey. Happy traveling!
